Off Topic += Muse Guilt, Mine and Yours

[blue_bells]

Despite occasionally empathising with character's plights in fanfic, when was the last time you actually sat back after writing something and thought, "Huh. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I think I feel... douche-y"?

I don't mean in an intellectual way because you know the difference between right and wrong, because you know that if such-and-such were to happen in real life that it would be reprehensible. Writing and reading is escapism, so the rules are different. I mean that feeling you get when somebody - whose opinion you care about - looks at you like you've betrayed or disappointed them and you didn't see it coming.

I hit 44k on my big bang last night and was left with this feeling. I'm calling it muse guilt. I was so bemused that I had to stop halfway through the afternoon and write to one of my friends about it. Don't worry, this is not actually keeping me up at night, but I wonder what it means that I haven't had this experience writing in the last six months on the myriad of other stories. I know I'm lingering on this a day later because I'm running on two hours of sleep, we've had an abrupt change to colder weather, and I've been living and breathing these characters for over three months.

I know this happens to a lot of people through the course of their writing. It's not quite contrition, but it's still fascinating.

So, when's the last time you had muse guilt? What were you writing at the time?

And since turn about is fair play, here's a meme I ganked from ravenspear.

The problem with the internet is that we might think we know each other, but there are plenty of things we miss. Here's your chance to ask me anything you want to know. It can be big or little, about the past or opinions or unimportant little extras. Whatever it is, just ask!

Comments

[zekkass.livejournal.com]

Mm...it's been a long time since I was guilty over something I was doing to my characters, fic-wise. I can't remember any specific instances right now - but I do know that I've been guilty rp-wise re: characters. I was...I have been rather sadistic to characters in rp and that's a bit...eh, personal? I dunno. Either way I try to compensate with lots of fluff for said characters and that works pretty well.

And a question for you: why angels? What makes you like them so much?

[http://users.livejournal.com/_bluebells/]

You're right, I just need to compensate with fluff to assuage the muse guilt. XD Which characters do you RP with the most?

I think my fascination with angels has a lot to do with sitting in church when I was younger and trying to find ways to amuse myself. I was that kid who wrote horror stories, read Goosebumps and gothic literature, was more interested in big bangs, big drama, so rather than disciples, apostles, kings and soldiers, the angels were a more appealing focus. I was reading Revelations when I was supposed to be reading the four gospels. Then I saw films like The Prophecy, which made them relatable, but still more than human. They were tragic, willful, but loyal and capable of great and/or terrible things. But they still hurt like us and they had failings. They could have been any kind of empowered creature, but because they were angels and I had that earlier association, that reverence that was ingrained from an early age for God, Heaven and the Trinity, I was fascinated.

You have no idea how long it took me to work up the nerve to write about Lucifer (I had nightmares). XD Now, I'm like, hey, they're all fiction anyway! The angels I write about are not the angels I grew up reading about. These angels are specific inventions of SPN with their own rules, quirks, and hang-ups; they're a broken family and I *love* writing about families.

[zekkass.livejournal.com]

Quite a few over the years...I started with mostly ABOFAL characters (my old main fandom, see. I've done a ton with them. :3) And now...now I play with a mix of SPN characters and OCs. Half of the RP is a giant in-joke between me and my rp partner, tbh. XD

Mm, I get that. A religious upbringing = v. handy with some of this, but then you have to break free from any guilt/fear about writing these angels...

I'm glad you worked through it - I'd hate to miss your writings. :)

[http://users.livejournal.com/_bluebells/]

Thank you, I'd also have been sad to miss out on the friends and their writings the angels opened up for me!

Can I turn the question around for you? Why angels?

[zekkass.livejournal.com]

Mm, let me think...well, there's that whole angle on them re: religion - they're not supposed to be creatures that the human mind can understand. There's a lot of lore to them. There's reverence, there's a bundle of emotions - I'm intrigued by all of this, and I welcome SPN and A.S. and SMT's way of making them accessible, even as I try to write angels as the terrifying messengers and warriors of God that they are.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_bluebells/]

I also love that aspect that there should always be some part of angels that humans can't understand. Somehow, I just don't write them this way. XD

[zekkass.livejournal.com]

I think it's hard to write about that aspect, as the whole idea of it is basically something we're not meant to understand - and words are human, at least English ones are, so...*shrug*

[http://users.livejournal.com/_bluebells/]

This is definitely when writing gets difficult and we try to find ways of describing something foreign through a mesh of familiar terms, concepts, and sensations. I'm always impressed in those rare cases when people can pull this off because it takes a lot more than the standard imagination. Not to mention, in my case, patience. :P

[zekkass.livejournal.com]

(sorry for late reply!)

Ohh yes. This is where sometimes it's worth going to have a look-see at this little art collection and thinking 'how would I describe, say, Simikiel in words?' as trying that to convey a few things.

And if all else fails, battle-scenes are good for practicing descriptions. I'm terrible at descriptions in 'regular' fic, which is why we still have no idea what Humann AU Michael looks like. (Or any of them, really.) Fortunately fandom is handy, as that way we already have headcanon images of them.

(did I go off on a tangent? I went off on a tangent. oops!)

[http://users.livejournal.com/_bluebells/]

It's been a while since I've attempted battle scenes, I'd be terrible at them, but considering how fast the characters will have to move and multitask everything in their arsenal and environment, it makes sense these are great practice.

I often pretend Human AU!Michael looks similar to Matt Cohen for ease not only because it makes me happy, but fandom will likely think of him first.

(You did tangent, but I like it when you tangent.)

[zekkass.livejournal.com]

And put on the right music and battle scenes are fun, too!

I'm happy to leave it unclarified, as that way you can imagine Cohen, I can imagine a strange mix between a blond and Cohen (not that I think that image is correct, just how I think) and I don't have to bring up the issues of vesselage, as Adam's off somewhere else and such.