Off Topic += Muse Guilt, Mine and Yours

[blue_bells]

Despite occasionally empathising with character's plights in fanfic, when was the last time you actually sat back after writing something and thought, "Huh. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I think I feel... douche-y"?

I don't mean in an intellectual way because you know the difference between right and wrong, because you know that if such-and-such were to happen in real life that it would be reprehensible. Writing and reading is escapism, so the rules are different. I mean that feeling you get when somebody - whose opinion you care about - looks at you like you've betrayed or disappointed them and you didn't see it coming.

I hit 44k on my big bang last night and was left with this feeling. I'm calling it muse guilt. I was so bemused that I had to stop halfway through the afternoon and write to one of my friends about it. Don't worry, this is not actually keeping me up at night, but I wonder what it means that I haven't had this experience writing in the last six months on the myriad of other stories. I know I'm lingering on this a day later because I'm running on two hours of sleep, we've had an abrupt change to colder weather, and I've been living and breathing these characters for over three months.

I know this happens to a lot of people through the course of their writing. It's not quite contrition, but it's still fascinating.

So, when's the last time you had muse guilt? What were you writing at the time?

And since turn about is fair play, here's a meme I ganked from ravenspear.

The problem with the internet is that we might think we know each other, but there are plenty of things we miss. Here's your chance to ask me anything you want to know. It can be big or little, about the past or opinions or unimportant little extras. Whatever it is, just ask!

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/_bluebells/]

I'm the same, when I read something great I want to hug it to myself and it inspires me to aim to write similarly great things. I'm strangely even more motivated to write, however, when I knock into something terrible and want to make it better (this is how I accidentally started writing that sole 'Twilight' fic).

'The Little Mermaid'! <3 That's probably second favourite of mine and then 'The Princess and the Frog'.

I'll put CM on my to-watch list for sure!

I understand the cringeing reaction to reading your old work, but it also makes me laugh at the same time. I wrote in FF when I was 16/17, so I was in that prime stage of channelling angst that suited FFVIII so well. So much drama! But we all need to start somewhere. :)

[ladyknightanka.livejournal.com]

lol, One of the first fics I ever wrote was a miscellaneous Final Fantasy crossover fic, with the main ship as Cloud/Sephiroth and other pairings from different FFs, like Seifer/Squall and Ramza/Delita (Final Fantasy Tactics, the original). I think my biggest flaw, what really makes me cringe now, was my need to feminize one character to make it work - that their had to be some concept of dominant and submissive. It didn't help that all the main FF boys (especially Ramza; go look at him, you'll see what I mean) are so pretty, anyway. But now, I see two handsome men and I'm fine with them switching up their dynamic and actually being boys. xD

[http://users.livejournal.com/_bluebells/]

It's sort of sad. I can't remember the first fic I ever wrote, but I rode that Cloud/Sephiroth 'ship as hard as Seifer/Squall - I only joined the series from FFVII. I like antagonism and rivalry as much as I love greater partnerships and bromances.

That need you talk about to assign traditional gender roles with familiar male and female qualities was, and still is, actually pretty common among learning writers. I know I did it, too. I was pretty annoyed when I realised, but it's just something that comes with social awareness and maturity. I like men being men, being just who they are, however that is, so it only matters to me that characters preserve their personality in fic.

[ladyknightanka.livejournal.com]

If you start with manga/anime/Japanese creations as your first fandom, you kind of can't help it. Like me, I adore CLAMP manga, though I haven't been reading manga much lately (CLAMP loves messing with my head), but most mangaka and anime creators feminize one man in the relationship. When I got into live action shows more, it became easier to distinguish that aspect of fandom from reality. And ditto what you said, characterization is THE most important thing to me, reading or writing.